Netflix has four new Christmas rom-coms this year. rachel_handler broke down their similarities, differences, merits, and crimes against humanity
Let’s dive deep into The Princess Switch 3, A Castle for Christmas, Single All the Way, and Love Hard — their similarities, differences, merits, and crimes against humanity. Photo: Mark Mainz/Netflix Every November-December period since the beginning of civilization, Netflix has dropped a barrage of Christmas rom-coms onto its platform. Usually these movies star Vanessa Hudgens, maybe one or two other recognizably famous people, and a series of cheerful randos in bright solids.
Does it take place in a fake European country? Lake Placid is a real place, as far as I understand, but in a sense the United States is a fake European country, so yes. What else do people say in a way that implies what they are saying is normal human speech, but actually it’s not? This movie unfolds as if it were written by the website BuzzFeed in the year 2011. People argue over the merits of Love, Actually, make jokes about Lyft drivers, and are still offended by the lyrics to “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” A few choice lines: “I’m the unluckiest woman in the world. My picker is broken.” “No way, you were chubby as a kid too?” “Thoreau is an asshole.
What is everyone eating and drinking, and is it somehow confusing? Natalie drinks a shot made of fresh kiwi. What goes with fresh kiwi? I’ve thought about it a lot and I suppose it would have to be rum or tequila. A Castle for Christmas Photo: Mark Mainz/Netflix What “happens” in this movie? Brooke Shields is a world-famous romance novelist named Sophie Brown whose readers are upset with her because she killed off the lover of her longtime protagonist, a woman named Emma Gale. She decides within four minutes of this crisis to abandon her life and college-age child and race off to Scotland, where her dad once worked as a castle servant and carved his name into a door.
Is there a glaringly obvious Chekhovian plot point introduced early on that otherwise has no right being in this movie — or any movie for that matter? Zero kiwi allergies here. Is someone an orphan, making it convenient for them to drop their entire lives during the holiday season? Sophie’s daughter, basically.
Does someone have a job they hate but also a secret, weird passion that they decide to follow by the end of the movie? Sophie abandons populist heroine Emma Gale to write a book called The Heart of a Warrior. Its first lines: “In this day and age, not everyone believes in happy endings. But I just might.”
Are there royals or journalists? Peter is in a vague sort of digital marketing role for shaving cream, so he is in the “journalist” circle of the Netflix Christmas rom-com Venn diagram. Is there subtle commentary on the gig economy? Yes. Despite being a successful children’s book author who has enough money to put a down payment on a special retail space for Peter, Nick is also a TaskRabbit. He is always leaving important events to go hang strangers’ Christmas lights.
Do entire relationships take place over FaceTime or Skype? Yes, the relationship between Nick and his dog, who is locked up alone for 10 straight days in L.A. while he hangs Christmas lights all over the East Coast. Do the leads have absolutely no chemistry and therefore it’s uncomfortable to watch them kiss at the end? Yeah. Nick deserves better.
Are there royals or journalists? Queen Margaret is a royal and she has the business suits to prove it. Stacy, the mere baker, has “Netflix journalist” energy, but is not actually a journalist . Fiona has no job and might be a Communist. Is there subtle commentary on the gig economy? Subtly. It’s heavily implied that Margaret’s stepdaughter is taking finals during Christmas at her private ballet school. This is a capitalist critique.
Does the castle inexplicably look like shit? This castle is better than Dun Dunbar but still extremely bad. It is lit like a Home Depot and perpetually appears just robbed.Do entire relationships take place over FaceTime or Skype? Margaret and her hot husband only speak to his daughter over FaceTime, who, again, is taking finals at ballet school during the holidays.
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