In response to growing antiwar protests at American universities, including Columbia, Yale, and MIT, some outspoken critics have demanded the U.S. military take action. The Onion asked Americans why they believe the National Guard should be called on students, and this is what they said.
Rachel Weinberger , Lawyer “My son does his best studying at gunpoint.” Anjula Batra , Account Manager “Freedom of speech is one thing, but if they’re blocking ultimate Frisbee teams from using the quad, that’s an issue.” Rodney Leflet , Package Handler “It’s important to intervene before a protest becomes a drum circle.” Jerry O’ Malley , Contractor “They have better aim than normal cops.” Jeffrey Garron , Engineer “I’d prefer they be taken out by an IDF airstrike, but this is the next best thing.
” Artie Schiff, Hedge Fund Manager “We’d call in the real Army, but most of their funding has been diverted to Israel.” Althea Roman, Psychologist “Frees up the local police to arrest more homeless people.” Roger White, Investment Banker “The only way for American Jews to feel safe is the knowledge that state power can be mobilized at a moment’s notice to systemically target a specific population.” Greta Davies, Accountant “I just think college kids need an ass-kicking every few months.
Houston Patton Althea Roman Kyle Egert Malley War Conflict Roger White Gaza Artie Schiff Vik Patel Anjula Batra Matthew Kirberger Paul Linetti Jeffrey Garron Jerry Greta Davies Bethany Flores Rachel Weinberger Sarah Moore Mark Hernandez The Onion
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