'I can assure you that doing mouth stuff with a fish is more than acceptable, and in many cases, highly encouraged.' — Samuel Alito
I, as an associate justice of the Supreme Court, have indeed consummated a sexual relationship with a 30-pound wild-caught Alaskan King Salmon. But, for the following reasons, I should never have had to make it known to the American public that I enjoyed it, and later stuck my penis inside it again and again.
“There is an appearance of impropriety when an unbiased and reasonable person who is aware of all relevant facts would doubt that the Justice could fairly discharge his or her duties” . But enough of that legal mumbo jumbo. I’d rather talk about the beautiful salmon, and its tight lips, soft tongue, and the way its slimy body felt. The way its gills heaved up and down as I firmly pressed it to my groin.
As for the fish, I stuck my penis into a mouth that would have otherwise been vacant. In many ways, I did the fish a service.In brief, the facts of my sexual act with a fish are as follows. I, Samuel Alito, was balls-deep in a salmon. In addition, I plunged my pinky finger deep into the salmon’s cloaca. As I recall, the whole thing took abut 60 seconds, and then I threw it back into the water.
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