NEW YORK—Expressing regret that joyless, wrongheaded ESPN commentator and attack journalist Skip Bayless could not be dealt with otherwise, commissioners from every major professional sporting league, top officials of amateur athletic associations, and representatives of player unions reached an agreement Wednesday to end the practice of competitive sports in order to forever deprive Bayless of any subject matter.
"It's a shame that it had to come to this, but there's just no other way to stop Skip Bayless than to stop playing sports," Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig said in his final statement before forever closing the books on the national pastime. "Ending baseball is a tragedy, but if our sacrifice means Bayless stops spewing his petty, hateful vitriol, it will all be worth it.
By the end of this month, all high school gymnasiums will be permanently locked up, every swimming pool filled with concrete, and all soccer and baseball fields paved over to prevent anyone from ever trying to hold any vaguely athletic event about which Bayless could possibly make the smallest disparaging remark.
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