Exploring alternate dimensions in bagel-dom.
Hasselbacked Croque Monsieur Bagels
This Midwestern atrocity defies—and defiles—everything we thought we knew about bagels. Its perpetrators dare to spit in the face of tradition by completely ignoring the horizontal plane through which every sane human has ever cut a bagel, and instead choosing to slice it. And, as if that weren’t sacrilegious enough, they continue to slice it vertically six, seven, maybe even eight times!
Rocky Sprinkles thought this could be a watershed moment of personal growth: I’d stopped projecting my horizontal expectations on bagels, which had never asked to be the center of such scandal. Much like Alexander Fleming accidentally discovering penicillin, the fine citizens of St. Louis had inadvertently ushered in a new age of bagels by supposing that anything that technically qualifies as bread can be run through a commercial bread slicer.
Who are we to deny the bagel’s desire to express itself in multitudes? What right do we have to limit what can be done to its dense, springy crumb or its fiercely chewy exterior? Maybe the bagels you bought last-minute at an unfamiliar shop are flavorless, and require whatever help they can get to become edible. Perhaps they have a texture resembling that of a mildewed dish sponge, and an extra intervention is needed to make them the best bagels they can possibly be.
Occasionally, it’s successful: Add tender lox and a creamy schmear, and you’ve got technical nirvana. But attempt the same procedure with a generous pile of ham and cheese, and the bagel’s full coat of crust resists any attempt to cleanly bite through it. It ejects its filling like toothpaste from a tube. And yet we persist, because sometimes the flavor a bagel brings to a sandwich is worth risking a lapful of ham.
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