Greetings, comrades! It is I, your beloved El Presidente, reporting to you live from the gilded observation deck of my newly-christened super-yacht, La Revolución Eterna, currently anchored just outside the territorial waters of a country that shall remain nameless (but whose CIA station chief I once locked in a sauna for eleven hours during a...
Greetings, comrades! It is I, your beloved El Presidente, reporting to you live from the gilded observation deck of my newly-christened super-yacht, La Revolución Eterna, currently anchored just outside the territorial waters of a country that shall remain nameless .
Tonight, we have a glorious three-hour spectacle of AEW Dynamite AND AEW Collision combined, all because WWE Backlash has stolen AEW Collision's usual Saturday slot like a capitalist pig stealing bread from the proletariat! But fear not, comrades, because this means MORE wrestling for all of us, and I have stocked the yacht's wet bar accordingly. Esteban, my faithful capybara companion, is already wearing his viewing tuxedo.
Darby Allin shows his fierce focus as he wants a piece of MJF at AEW Dynamite: Spring Breakthru. But before we get into the festivities of AEW Dynamite, I must take a moment of silence for a true comrade of the people, Ted Turner, who passed today at the age of 87. Ted, you magnificent bastard!
For a billionaire, he was one of the good ones — he gave us WCW, he gave us Monday Nitro, he funded so much wonderful pro wrestling that I once threw a state dinner in his honor . Without Ted, there is no Goldberg streak, no nWo, no Sting rappelling from the rafters, and arguably no AEW as we know it. Ted Turner colorized old movies AND gave wrestlers guaranteed contracts.
A hero of the working grappler. ¡Salud, Comrade Ted! Now, on to the show! AEW World Championship Match: Darby Allin vs. 'The Jet' Kevin Knight AEW Dynamite and Collision combine for a live 3-hour special tonight, headlined by Darby Allin vs. Kevin Knight.
Darby Allin said this reign is a fifteen-minute ride. If last week was any indication, he means it. The AEW World Champion has now defended his title in back-to-back weeks, surviving bloody wars with Tommaso Ciampa and Brody King after beating MJF for the AEW World Title on Dynamite three weeks ago. By surviving King's bruising assault, Allin made good on his promise to Kevin Knight to beat Brody and give Knight a shot at the gold.
Knight handled his own challengers over the last week. On Dynamite, he retained the TNT Title against MJF, outlasting 'The Salt of the Earth' with a well-timed small package following a low blow to counteract the Dynamite Diamond Ring.
Then, Knight turned away HOOK on Collision. Now, 'The Jet' gets the chance of a lifetime. Comrades, Darby Allin is the kind of champion I respect — a lunatic who throws himself off of high places without regard for personal safety, much like myself when I attempted to escape a CIA-orchestrated coup in 1987 by leaping from a hotel balcony into a swimming pool that, it turned out, had been drained for cleaning.
I broke three ribs, but I survived, much like Darby surviving Brody King! And Kevin Knight! What a rising star! He reminds me of a young Manuel Noriega — full of ambition, perfectly timed low blows, and a willingness to do whatever it takes.
I once watched Manuel pin Fidel in a backyard wrestling match using a similar small package. Fidel was furious for a week. Tonight, can The Jet fly into history? I cannot wait!
Double Jeopardy Match: Dax Harwood vs. Orange Cassidy AEW Dynamite and Collision promo for a double jeopardy match between Orange Cassidy and Dax Harwood. Here's the deal: if Dax Harwood wins, FTR and Tommaso Ciampa earn a future shot at the AEW World Trios Championship, currently held by The Conglomeration. Although the tag champions already have an 'I Quit' New York Street Fight against Cage and Cope on their Double or Nothing plate, FTR and Stoke still want more.
If Orange Cassidy wins, he and a partner from The Conglomeration earn a future AEW World Tag Team Title match, a championship held by FTR. A 'Double Jeopardy' match, comrades! This reminds me of the time I appeared on the Spanish-language Jeopardy with Alex Trebek and Augusto Pinochet — Pinochet refused to phrase his answers in the form of a question, claiming dictators do not answer to anyone, and was promptly disqualified. I won a stuffed llama.
Anyway! Dax Harwood versus Orange Cassidy is the kind of stylistic clash that makes my socialist heart sing — the technical purist versus the lazy-eyed king of the freaks. Whoever wins, the bourgeois tag team division gets shaken up, and that is good for the workers! AEW Continental Championship Eliminator Match: Jon Moxley vs. Juice Robinson Jon Moxley vs. Juice Robinson in an AEW Continental Championship Eliminator Match for the AEW Dynamite and Collision 3-hour special.
Juice Robinson has never shied away from a fight, because he has too much fire in his belly to back down. After teaming with Ace Austin to beat the Death Riders' Daniel Garcia and Wheeler Yuta on Collision, Robinson stared right into the eyes of the AEW Continental Champion and made his intentions clear by gesturing that he wanted Moxley's title. Jon Moxley! The Death Riders!
Comrades, every time I see Moxley and his cult of grizzled goons, I am reminded of my own inner circle of generals, who also enjoy bleeding and grunting menacingly during cabinet meetings. Juice Robinson, however, is a man of the people — colorful, charismatic, and possessing the kind of beard one could hide state secrets in. I once hid microfilm in Kim Jong-il's pompadour during a CIA sting operation, so I understand the strategic value of dramatic hair.
Can Juice topple the dictator of the Continental division? I, a dictator myself, am rooting for the underdog. Solidarity!
Tag Team Match: Hikaru Shida & Kris Statlander vs. Mina Shirakawa & Harley Cameron AEW Dynamite and Collision unite for a live three-hour special tonight, with Mina Shirakawa and Harley Cameron taking on Hikaru Shida and Kris Statlander Last week on Dynamite, Shida and Statlander came agonizingly close to dethroning Divine Dominion for the AEW Women's World Tag Team Championship before the dominant Megan Bayne and Lena Kross turned them away.
What followed was just as dramatic as the match itself: In comments after Dynamite, a furious Statlander blamed Shida for the loss and said Shida's kendo stick became more of a liability than a weapon, also calling out Shida for kicking and suplexing Stat to use her as an involuntary weapon! Comrades, the use of one's tag team partner as an 'involuntary weapon' is a tactic I know all too well.
During the failed CIA-backed coup of '93, I picked up my Minister of Agriculture and threw him directly into an oncoming Jeep. Did he survive? Mostly! Did we win the day?
Absolutely! Hikaru Shida understands what I understand — sometimes your comrade IS the weapon. Kris Statlander may be upset now, but she will thank Shida later, just as my Minister of Agriculture eventually thanked me .
Meanwhile, Mina Shirakawa and Harley Cameron are two of the most charismatic women in wrestling, and this match is going to be EXPLOSIVE on AEW Dynamite tonight! A thousand thanks to AEW's website for the preview materials, which you can read in their original form right here, comrades. So tune in tonight, comrades, to a SPECIAL THREE-HOUR AEW Dynamite and AEW Collision combo at 8pm ET on TBS and HBO Max!
As for me, I shall be enjoying the show from the captain's lounge of La Revolución Eterna, reclining on a chaise made from the upholstery of a former rival's presidential limousine, sipping a 1962 Cuban rum gifted to me personally by Fidel, while Esteban nibbles imported French grapes off a silver platter. The CIA drone circling overhead can watch with us if it likes — I have already ordered the chef to prepare an extra plate of empanadas, just in case. ¡Viva la lucha libre! ¡Viva AEW Dynamite! ¡Hasta la victoria siempre!
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