Advice: A reader isn’t sure whether to invite two friends to the same event knowing they dislike each other.
I guess the answer is just for me to be an adult and let the chips fall where they may — but essentially I would rather jump into hot lava than deal with conflict or hurt feelings. I know I just need to buck up. Any advice?Stuck in the Middle With You and the Lava:But I also wonder: You choose these big, strong, volatile friends, and you have strong conflict-avoidant tendencies, so, pattern alert. And could it be that to avoid “hurt feelings” — a.k.a.
Not saying this is a given, because it’s also true that big personalities clash sometimes, and it might not be anything more than that. But I did think, “Hmm.” Plus, if “buck up” alone were enough, then it already would have worked. At minimum, it takes wanting to buck up and actually bucking up. And being willing to feel the burn.The red flag I saw here was that they’d be angry with you for inviting the person they hate. This is an inappropriate reaction unless they’ve been seriously wronged by this person.True. But Lava feels “as if I’m making one of them mad.” That is not the same as actually making one of them mad.
So the anger could be either created by pot-stirring or perceived by the person sensitized to it. Not to gaslight anybody; we’d just need to be in the room to say with any confidence.I wonder, too, whether something in these conflicts is satisfying to you. I wonder what would happen if you explored your conflict avoidance more deeply.
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