A bridesmaid is offended by comments from her sister-in-law’s brother, who is gay. She wants to know: “Is there a way I can ask him to check it a little without coming across as a homophobe?”
So, let’s just get this out of the way: I’d worry less, if I were you, about “coming across” as a homophobe and more about “being a homophobe.” Because you are one.
Now, homophobia, like every other bias, exists on a spectrum. You have your violent homophobes, who use excuses like religion, their concept of morality, or their complicated feelings about their own sexuality, to perpetuate hate. Nothing from your letter indicates I’m describing you. Then there are people who perhaps don’t carry any conscious personal animus toward queer people, but have internalized negative and reductive stereotypes about them, and I think this is where you exist. To be clear, I’m not suggesting you have some homophobic tendencies just because you’re off-put by your soon-to-be brother-in-law’s behavior. Instead, I’m saying it’s because you believe he’s acting like a “stereotypical gay man,” when there is no such thing.
And who knows? Maybe this’ll be a bonding moment for you two. It’s not uncommon for people who’ve had underwhelming first impressions of each other to become close after getting real. But even if that’s not in the cards for you, you have to get past this anachronistic stereotype, for the queer people you happen to meet, and for your own well-being.
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