A recipient receives an email from their past self, sent 20 years prior as part of a time capsule project, triggering a wave of introspection and reflection on the changes and challenges encountered over the years.
The end of the year brings noise. Your membership ensures our newsroom remains a clear, reliable source of facts for the whole community. Help us keep the signal strong for the year ahead.A couple of weeks ago, I got an email with a subject line that read: “Forbes Time Capsule : Hello Lizzie!” Immediately, my brain zoomed back 20 years and I saw myself, then 29, sitting at my oversize desk surrounded by stacks of file folders and billing logs.
The email was from me, written on Nov. 17, 2005. It was part of. I was one of 140,000 participants and one of 19% who chose the longest possible amount of time for delivery: 20 years.I’m guessing that you’ve “come a long way baby!” Right now, I’m e-mailing you from my desk at Counseling4Kids, where I’m working as a biller. Right now, I’m living on Parkman Avenue in Silver Lake with Greg and our three babies: Henry, Dooley and Scooter. They are all black and white and their fur smells wonderful! I’m in the process of applying to graduate school for a Master’s in Social Work. I will apply to UC-Berkeley and UCLA first, and then if I get rejected, I’ll attempt to get into a “lesser” school. The important thing to know about me right now is: I’M HAPPY. I just am. Life is good. We’re going to Greg’s parents’ house for Thanksgiving. His mother has leukemia. His nephew will be there. He’s 8 months old. I hope you’re happy. I hope you’ve realized your potential―at least SOME of it anyway. Can you believe you wanted to kill yourself once? You’re in a safe place now. Keep saving the world. Be at peace!!! The first few days after I read it, I was in shock. It was like getting a letter from a kid who you know gets hit by a bus five minutes after she puts it in the mailbox. “Lizzie” was in for a rough 20 years. I was angry at this message filled with naïveté and foolishness.Greg and I are, in fact, married now. The Thanksgiving I mentioned in the 2005 email was the last time I would see his mother alive; she died two months later. Greg proposed to me with her engagement ring two months after that.I ended up in one of the prestigious social work programs and borrowed the full tuition and living expenses, for a soul-crushing experience from start to finish. Now, at age 49, I owe $30,000 more than I borrowed 19 years ago. I’m grateful I was able to leave the field and find other work. I now realize maybe I should have checked out one of those “lesser” schools.After two hospitalizations for suicidal depression at age 21 and years of therapy and medication, I thought the worst of my mental health issues were behind me. I was so wrong. At age 36, I fell off a depression cliff. At 49, I am still recovering from it. The therapist I went to in the darkest period of my life was profoundly unethical and exploitative. Years after I filed a complaint about his abuse, both of his licensing boards gave him a slap on the wrist with a couple of years’ probation. I made it. I survived. But there were so many times over the years that I thought I was a goner — that I would never be able to get through the day without my brain attacking itself, telling me the world was better off without me.I talk about my “babies” in the email — three cats that we spoiled incessantly, knowing for certain that we never wanted to have a human child of our own. Things change. I realized at age 38 I wanted a child with Greg.I got pregnant instantly but the pregnancy was a nightmare — panic attacks all day every day and the return of my suicidal thoughts while I grew a child inside me. I gave birth to the most beautiful child, whom Greg and I named John after both of our grandfathers. We wanted and still want everything in the world for him. But more heartbreak was coming for us.At age 3, John was diagnosed with severe autism. He is nearly 10 now and cannot speak and can barely communicate. He screams and sobs, and we don’t know why. It’s a special kind of hell to watch your child suffer and be unable to tell you if he’s in pain, if he’s sad, if he’s angry, if someone is mistreating him, or something else we can’t even imagine. It hurts all the time, even in the happy moments. There are some happy moments. When he’s giddy with laughter jumping on the bed, wanting hugs and kisses, or grabbing my arm and wrapping it around him in bed when it’s time for sleep. There are moments when we share eye contact. I know, in those moments, that I have only seconds to connect with him. I peer back at him and try to pour my love for him out of my eyes.29-year-old me would have been such a better mother than 49-year-old me. I was stronger, more compassionate, more selfless and less angry. John is becoming progressively more difficult to care for as he grows larger and physically stronger. A very specific fear looms over us always: What happens to him when his father and I are both gone? We can’t die. We can’t even grow weak. We have to grow physically and mentally stronger as we grow older. It is impossible. While other parents obsess over their kids’ future college education, I wonder if there will be a group home that will protect him and care for him when we’re gone or no longer physically strong enough to give him what he needs. The idea that there will be no one looking out for him is terrifying.In the weeks since reading the email, I feel changed. I’ve been forced to look at the person I was before 20 years of life happened to me. I have indeed “come a long way baby,” just not the way I expected. I’m so glad 29-year-old Lizzie was happy. I appreciate her wish that I be at peace, but I’m unsure whether it’s possible.29-year-old me would be devastated to learn how heavy my heart became. She would remind me of the things I have to celebrate.Greg has been my partner, best friend, and the love of my life for nearly 24 years. We met at a bar on New Year’s Eve four months after I moved to Los Angeles. We kissed at midnight and have been together ever since. We have gone through hell together more than once and come out on the other side, still together. We bought a house in Vermont, directly behind the high school I graduated from over 30 years ago. I never would have dreamed it. It’s a beautiful blue country house built in 1906 with a massive yard and a tree swing that my son loves so much. Our jobs keep us in Los Angeles for now, but some day I dream of spending every summer there in the backyard with sprinklers and water balloons, a trampoline for John, a vegetable garden. And I hope, over the next 20 years, I can let go of some of the guilt and worry that surrounds my relationship with my beautiful son. I just want to know him — what he loves and doesn’t love, what he thinks about, how he sees the world. I want to know everything. I will keep chasing those moments of connection and keep hoping for the miracle that lets him talk to me.Another 20 years from now, I’ll be 69, if I survive. If I were to send another time capsule into the future, it would read: “Oh, my God. Are you OK? I can’t even imagine what you’ve gone through. I’m scared for you. I’m working hard to make things better for you. I am terrified to ask about John. I’m terrified for you all. Are you alive? And Greg? John? Sending love. Sending, oh God I have no idea. Sending … condolences? Best wishes? Congratulations? I know you’re gonna do the absolute best you can over the next 20 years. I believe in you. I know you’re trying. Whatever happens, please know I’m rooting for you.”Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we’re looking forWhen My Husband Died, I Asked For A Clean Break From His Family. I Never Imagined What Would Happen Next.Must Reads Look under the hood, and take a behind the scenes look at how longform journalism is made. Subscribe to Must Reads.By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. You are also agreeing to our
Time Capsule Personal Reflection Email Self-Discovery Nostalgia
United States Latest News, United States Headlines
Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.
Central Pa. brewery’s emotional closure notice has an unexpected twistAfter announcing they would have to close, the owners said a potential buyer is interested in continuing the brewery.
Read more »
James Gunn Just Replaced Star-Lord In The Most Unexpected WayChris Pratt's Star-Lord shocked in Guardians of the Galaxy 2
Read more »
'I love an underdog': Trump-Zohran Mamdani voters are at the center of an unexpected relationshipAllan Smith is a political reporter for NBC News.
Read more »
‘I love an underdog': Trump-Mamdani voters at center of unexpected relationshipNBC News exit polling from the New York City mayoral election found that about 1 in 10 Trump voters who showed up to the polls backed Mamdani.
Read more »
At atomic scale, diamonds can briefly trap heat in unexpected ways, transform quantum techA new study could influence how scientists design diamond-based quantum technologies, including ultra-precise sensors and future quantum computers.
Read more »
Stella McCartney Teams With LeMieux on Equestrian Capsule for Both Human and Horse'Working with LeMieux felt completely natural - a way to unite my love of riding with my commitment to conscious, innovative design,' said McCartney.
Read more »