As a journalist, his job is to report about the truth
Bobby Calvan poses in front of a painting of the view from his childhood home in Waimanalo, Hawaii, Sunday, Oct. 9, 2022, in New York. His journey out of the closet has taken decades. Now 57, he is still sharing his truth about his sexuality. The journey hasn’t ended; indeed, it’s just beginning as he now lives his life as the man he believes he was meant to be. I crouched onto the damp grass and picked at the weeds sprouting around my dad’s headstone.
I didn’t have many friends outside my dairy farm community. I liked spending time alone, sometimes building tree houses at the foot of the nearby mountain. I often roamed the pastures or hiked alone among the trees, or walked along a creek to scoop out guppies and crayfish. I remember fretting about having to get naked with other boys at my school’s communal shower after P.E., worried that somehow I’d be found out. So I would get under the spray of water quickly and towel off as fast as I could. At gatherings, I tried to be the flirtatious life of the party. But whenever a girl showed the slightest interest, I would recoil.
The first friend I told took me to a gay bar across the Potomac from Washington, to help ease my coming out. I was still full of shame and awkwardness. I kept myself from making eye contact with other men. While my friend was outside having a smoke, a hand slid across my back.“For having the courage to come out,” he replied.
A siren’s wail jarred me back into reality. An ambulance was speeding up the road. I would later learn that a hiker had fallen to his death. The piercing sound might have saved me from a similar fate.One of my best friends and his wife were visiting New York City from Paris for the new year in 2018. It was time to tell Kevin, I told myself. But when the first chance came, I couldn’t go through with it.
“Remember when you asked me to be your best man?” I said. “I really wanted to tell you then, so you could change your mind.”Again, I couldn’t use the word gay. Again, my knees bounced. I was sweating. My eyes turned glassy.I gave him a clue.“I’m sorry. It’s not funny — but is that all?”Most of my life, I had suffered from migraines. With my truth finally coming out, that pain has mostly disappeared.During a visit to California, I had taken a nephew aside.
In truth, I’m more like my mother — someone who can be comfortable around others but who couldn’t always get along with them. Moody. Sometimes gruff.
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