The struggle is real.
I feel I need to write this for a mixed amount of reasons. Some good, some bad. My heart is telling me to let it out. To educate and make people aware of the everyday struggle. Something hard and embarrassing to talk about or tell anyone, but for some reason my heart is telling me to shout it out and to let people know.
I am not a good writer on a good day. I jump all over the place, but to be honest that is what your mind is like with this illness. So bear with me as I try to explain how my head works. Will my head ever stop? It’s spinning, and I don’t know how to turn it off. It will not let me sleep. I am just so tired. I don’t like these thoughts. They scare me. They are not me. I want me back. I like the old me. She was not perfect, but she was so in control. So strong. I wish I could find her again.
I did it. I made it in the outside world. But I am so relieved to be back home. Back to my bed. I hate this life. I want my old life back. I lay in bed and try to watch TV or knit. It helps a bit. My mind concentrates on these tasks. It stops the thoughts a little. I am shaking a lot lately so it’s hard to knit. Is it the meds? I wish it would stop.
It’s so late again. No sleep. I am so tired. I just need to sleep. The thoughts of just ending my life are so strong. I fight it. It’s hard. Why fight it? Because I don’t want to die. I want to just be normal again. I just want me back. Is that too much to ask? I lay here with my thoughts. In the dark. As everyone is sleeping. Will tomorrow be a good day? Where I don’t have to fake it? Or a bad day? Why are there more bad days than good ones? I listen to the quiet. It’s so peaceful.
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