Hilary Fitzgerald Campbell humorously illustrates major life moments through various snacks.
Go to the diner. Consider eating something else. Get the grilled cheese. As far as I can tell, you key open the can, remove a sardine, and place it on a saltine. First, peel your apple. All of it. Not a hint of skin should be detected.
Then slice the naked apple into manageable quarter-moon pieces. Take your spoon and scoop a huge amount of peanut butter. You could technically put all this in a bowl, but it’s not necessary because it’ll be gone soon. If you are not at an airport or stranded off the interstate with a flat tire near a Quick Mart, you can make your own adult Lunchables. Other people like to call this “charcuterie” or “charcutes,” for short, but they are fooling no one. Their fancy boards are Lunchables. Once you acquire all your little foodsies, put them on a plate and mix and match—go wild! Cracker, cracker with cheese, cracker with cheese and salami? You are your own mother. You are your own hero. If you’re at home, just brew some coffee and pour as much friggin’ creamer in as you want! But, if you’re in public, options vary. Some coffee shops will have creamer; others will be, like, “We just have half-and-half,” and that is insane. It is not the same. When in doubt, bring your on-the-go creamer and do not allow anyone to shame you. You are an adult and you know what you like. Pour your bag of peanuts into the first bowl. This is meant to stay in the kitchen for neighbors and friends and, of course, you, every time you pass by. When hankering for some nuts, grab a handful of shells and crack them open. Do this slowly, while having important and productive thoughts. Collect shells in a second bowl to appear tidy. Life sucks, you suck. Get the water, get the gum. Whatever. Take the Eggos out of the freezer. Put two in a toaster set to the desired level of crispiness. Wait patiently. When they pop up, use a paper towel to hold your hot, golden gems. Pour yourself a glass of white wine. Add a mountain of ice because you suffer from acid reflux and you have to be at least mildly responsible. Share all of your feelings with whomever is next to you. Go to your bodega or market, at any hour of the day. Act like you don’t know what you want. Wander around. Consider other chips, maybe even a protein bar. Then quickly beeline for the Doritos. Thank the cashier profusely for sharing this holy space with you. Get to munching! Leave no crumbs behind. This is drawn from “The Joy of Snacking.”
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