I’ve been writing about video games, television and movies for Forbes for over 10 years, and you may have seen my reviews on Rotten Tomatoes and Metacritic. I cover all manner of console and PC games, but if it’s about looting or shooting, I’m definitely there. If I’m watching something, it’s usually science fiction, horror or superheroic.
I’m not sure there’s a way to make a good Borderlands movie. And this is certainly not it.as one of the worst video game adaptations ever in a sea of bad video game adaptations, most from a decade or more ago, I had to see Borderlands for myself. It is not 2005-era Uwe Boll bad, and yet it is also not good at all. To talk about it, you should know up front that I’m someone with hundreds and hundreds of hours across three games and a pre-sequel, and that’s the perspective I’m coming from.
But the end result is throwing the Borderlands games at a wall, watching them shatter, and gluing back together a handful of mildly recognizable pieces. Spoilers follow, though not if you’ve played the games or even know the basics. But Lilith and Roland, man, what were they thinking? Roland is Kevin Hart, who is of course not the stoic, burly soldier he should be, he is Kevin Hart, perhaps acting 20% less Kevin Hart-ish than usual, but only that. And just physically he is, no exaggeration, only slightly taller than Greenblatt’s Tina and the film does nothing to pretend otherwise.Cate Blanchett is absolutely the most baffling casting here as Lilith.
Tina is supposed to be the prophecies “Daughter of the Eridia,” but of course we all know where this is going. Lilith begins the movie without Siren powers. You will know from about twenty minutes in that she, not Tina, is the chosen one in question and gets those Siren powers at the very end. Flame on. The vault opening ends up being nothing but floaty cubes and tentacles, a hint of a boss fight from the games with no corresponding fight in the film.
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