3 steps to immediately improve the way you communicate and how you're received
are powerfully helpful to build the life and work you want, but to me, this one, about how we listen and what prevents us from truly connecting with and engaging in mutually-beneficial ways with others, can be changed right here, right now. Just seek to understand.In my studies as a marriage and family therapist, we spent a good deal of time studying systems and communication theory, exploring how systems in nature and the world work, and how information is transferred and transmitted.
From our body language, stance, tone, facial expressions, sighs, the pauses we take and eye rolls we make and more, we are sharing so much information about what we really feel. And often the words we utter are not at all representative of the feelings we’re harboring inside. For instance, let’s say you’re really angry at your domestic partner for never taking the garbage out when it needs to be emptied. It frustrates you every single day that you feel you have to do it. Again today, you see that the garbage is overflowing, and today you become furious. You say to your partner with a seething, angry tone, “The garbage is overflowing.” But that statement is not all what you mean.
What you’re really saying inside is this: “The garbage is full yet again and I’m always the one taking it out! Why is that? How can you walk by it everyday and not think to take it out? Why can’t you see that it’s full and just chip in to do your share around here? Why does it automatically fall on me? Take it out!” Your partner will mostly likely either not understand what you’re really getting it and not address your real issue, or will sense you tone and wonder why you’re so angry.
You will improve your communication and your relationships–and the impact you have in those relationships–if you can learn to say what needs to be said, and hear what needs to be heard in as calm and non-reactive way as possible. In this case, the best conversation would involve a frank, calm and open discussion about the roles you’re playing domestically.
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