While the days grow increasingly tedious and mind-numbing, The Onion’s team of underpaid mixologists have crafted 11 perfect drinks to help you survive social distancing.
’s team of underpaid mixologists have crafted 11 perfect drinks to help you survive social distancing.How do you even have the ingredients for a tropical drink like this? If you have fresh fruit and access to citrus, you should consider not wasting them on a cocktail. Jesus. We’re in a pandemic.This is your classic Shirley Temple with a twist: Simply mix grenadine, a maraschino cherry, lemon-lime soda, and enough Scotch to make the unforgivable mistake of wetting the bed.
Put an elderly Albanian man inside. Let him marinate for 3 to 4 days in the tub until he is nice and pruney. Ladle out the water, and serve over ice with a lemon garnish.Pour 1.5 ounces gin, 0.5 ounce lime juice, and 0.5 ounce simple syrup into a tumbler glass. Slowly squeeze the tumbler glass. Keep squeezing, feeling the fear, the anxiety, the frustration course through you. Continue squeezing. You’re angry and afraid. Feel the glass start to crack between your fingers. Keep squeezing.
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