'I can see myself taking the wrong approach, but old habits are hard to break, especially when I’m tired. I know I’ve grown leaps and bounds, but I have a hard time shaking the guilt when I slip.'
My daughter’s challenges are difficult. I research, I practice self-care, I spend quality time with her. But, still, my patience slips. And slips. While my daughter has a meltdown over something relatively small, her sister is asking for the password to the computer, her brother’s yogurt is oozing onto the counter, and the cat is pawing me and meowing for a treat.
If it’s the first such hectic experience of the day, I can calmly meet everyone’s needs while hugging and reminding her to breathe to let the flooding emotions recede from her brain. But if we’re going on the day’s third or fourth meltdown, I just don’t have it in me to patiently walk her through this frustrating experience. I snap. She melts. I’m angry. She’s angry. I feel awful. She feels worse. We have to start over again later, but I kick myself for not just holding it together for that tiny moment.I know ADHD occurs, more often than not, alongside comorbid conditions. I know very few patients escape the debilitating effects of at least one type of anxiety, mood disorder, or other condition. But I still can’t help but wonder if her comorbid anxiety is my fault. Did my poor parenting techniques in her early years contribute? Do I add to her anxiety each time I speak harshly now? Could she have been a lucky one to escape this comorbid anxiety if I had just known more, tried more… if I had just beenAnd if she develops another comorbid condition along the way, will it be my fault? ADHD is hereditary, and it’s nobody’s fault. But was the anxiety inevitable, or did I bring that about? I don’t know, and I’ll never know. So I research, visit therapists, use calming techniques — and hope it will be enough.I know we need to try fish oil. I know green time can help her focus. I know there are hundreds of things I. Right now, we’re using a handful of natural treatments and working with a therapist. This combination works well in some ways but doesn’t cover every issue. So why won’t I buy the tasty organic expensive fish oil, already? Why haven’t I done that really brilliant thing I bookmarked on Facebook three months ago? Because it’s hard to wrap my brain around everything stacked up on my to-do list. I also have a marriage, a career, two other children, a house, and community responsibilities. Someone looking in from the outside might tell me nothing is more important than getting my daughter the proper treatment, and I would agree. But then why can’t I find the time and energy to find the magic combination to unlock her best self? I don’t know, and I beat myself up over it. The best I can do is keep plugging along, trying what I can when I can. And, again, hope it will be enough.When my daughter’s meltdowns are extreme , I hug her and remind her to breathe. When it’s time to clean her room or her backpack, I practically hold her hand the whole way through. I remind her to brush her teeth, to do her homework, to clear her dishes, and 100 other small things every day. Her siblings don’t need the same reminders, which makes me feel sometimes that these efforts are too much. Shouldn’t she be able to handle these things on her own by now? Am I enabling her? Is she relying on me too much to handle her emotions and remember the necessities of her day-to-day life? But then I look at how far she has come. She has learned to make her bed every day as soon as she wakes up. Just yesterday she breathed her own way out of a meltdown. And she doesn’t fight anymore when I remind her she needs to take a shower. She isn’t where I want her to be, but she has progressed. It may look like enabling to some, but I have to remind myself that we are working through tricky issues. Empowerment comes through baby steps for some.
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